Charlie Brooker Gives Up On TV, Kind Of

He’s actually just finishing up as the Guardian’s TV critic. Has it been a decade already?

Just a few of my personal favourites, not all from Screen Burn.

I won’t get over that in a hurry: my least favourite atrophied Hazel McWitch lookalike in the world, singing “I just want to make love to you”, right there on primetime telly. She has to be the only person on Earth who can take a lyric like that and make it seem like a blood-curdling threat without changing any of the words.

On Gillian McKeith, Screen Burn June 2006

He could probably make you a cloud sandwich if you asked. Or a blancmange made of numbers.

On Heston Blumenthal, Screen Burn October 2007

… Adrien Brody resembles a cross between Ross from Friends and a disappointed sundial …

… John Kerry, for his part, looks and sounds a bit like a haunted tree

8.45 Scissors Paper Stone

A televised hand invites you to compete against it in the world’s favourite guessing game


Darwin’s theory of evolution was simple, beautiful, majestic and awe-inspiring. But because it contradicts the allegorical babblings of a bunch of made-up old books, it’s been under attack since day one. That’s just tough luck for Darwin. If the Bible had contained a passage that claimed gravity is caused by God pulling objects toward the ground with magic invisible threads, we’d still be debating Newton with idiots too.