✩ Want You To Know: Toast Baker’s Dozen

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~ Interrupting the scheduled programming with a quick toast to The Toast ~

The Toast is stopping on July 1st, which is a significant date in online calamities as July 1st 2013 is when Google Reader was put down. Why, Internet, WHY?

This shutdown raises questions as to whether any sort of independent site that features quality writing can carve out a successful existence online. The Toast was undoubtedly popular, the liveliness of their very well moderated comments section attests to that. They paid writers and went out of their way to give new voices a place to be heard. They generated revenue both through display ads and a tipjar. Although cash isn’t the main reason cited by Mallory and Nicole it certainly played a part. I’ve no doubt if things weren’t so tight they would have been able to bring more contributors on and decrease their own workload.

Oh well, we can’t have nice things for too long I suppose. Perhaps better that it goes out like this – stopping with a reasoned and classy announcement – than being bought up and having the weird brilliance squeezed out of it, bit by bit.

Here are my favourite humour pieces from its three year reign as the place with the funniest, smartest and frequently most thoughtful writing on the Web.


“They took off their clothes, leaving their soft and hairless skin exposed to dust, wind, cold, and various other deadly elements.”

Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body


IF I CAN’T HAVE A WAR
YOU CAN BE DAMNED SURE THE RUSSIANS AND THE JAPANESE AREN’T GOING TO HAVE ONE
wait a minute and I’ll send someone from the State Department with you
TOO LATE, TAFT
I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY
GOING TO DO LUNGES ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
SHOULD BE IN MOSCOW BY NOON
I’LL WIRE WHEN I GET THERE

Dirtbag Teddy Roosevelt


I hate the way they wobble-squample across the street at night when you see a shadowy mass under a streetlight and then it turns out to be like seven fur-children

A raccoon is the child of a cat and a wizard and it walks in too many worlds for it to be allowed to stay in this one

Everything That’s Wrong Of Raccoons


I will have to take the day off today because:

☐ A dog looked at me

☐ I got a text from someone for whom I feel a mix of concern and frustration and recognition and longing that is both more and less than romance

☐ Someone made a joke about dead pets meeting you in heaven

Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today


“Sure, why not?” Ted shrugged coolly, cool not in a rude way but in the laid-back, relaxed way of a man who’s very at ease with women. “I’m a pretty liberated guy, probably not like the ones you’ve known before. I’m okay with a woman buying me things.”

Liberal Dude Erotica


“Due to dietary restrictions, I am only able to eat Yatzhee dice. I made the necessary substitutions, and it turned out great.”

All The Comments on Every Recipe Blog


get up
it’s weird to lie down when nobody else is lying down
sit up
i’ll sit up when I see something worth sitting up for

Women Having A Terrible Time At Parties In Western Art History


But how is a normal internet citizen supposed to know, when they hear someone say “I just can’t stop looking at gifs of Bombadil Rivendell” that this person isn’t talking about some other actor with a name and a voice and cheekbones? Or in other words, what makes for a reasonable variation of the name Bendandsnap Calldispatch?

A Linguist Explains the Rules of Summoning Benedict Cumberbatch


MOVIE STAR: BRING OUT MY DECEIT TWIN WHO LIES TO THE MIRROR FOR ME
BRING FORTH MY SKIN MINION, I REQUIRE HIS BODY’S LIES

“Bring Me My Pain Twin”: A Movie Star Names Things


21. Things Get Worse and Then You Have an Illegitimate Child With a Man From Outremont Who Doesn’t Really Love You

Every Canadian Novel Ever


MONK #1: are people the same height as castles
MONK #2: pretty much yeah

Two Medieval Monks Invent Art


MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on
MONK #2: the head

Two Medieval Monks Invent Bestiaries


MONK #1: what surrounds the earth
MONK #2: mm
trees
lobsters
some guys trying to blow on us
horrible red chaos

Two Medieval Monks Invent Maps


Yours etc., @loughlin


 

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